Demi Curious

Remember when you were a teenager, when your hormones were out of control, and when you would fall in love and it would be the best feeling in the world and the worst feeling in the world, and your whole world would revolve around the object of your desire? I never grew out of that. Thankfully, as a demi, it doesn't happen too often. I can go for months without having any interest in anyone. Then I meet someone. I'll feel little interest in them at first - at most a mild attraction,  but nothing I feel compelled to act upon. Then I get to know them, and if something clicks along the way then it's full-out internal emotional war. I have no evidence whatsoever for this, but it seems like nature is attempt to correct the imbalance with demis not feeling any sexual attraction to most of the world by overloading them when they do meet someone with whom they can experience that in some desperate attempt to ensure the perpetuation of the species. It's extremely inc...

Imagine this - you've got sunburn. Not the extreme type with blisters, but the one where you're constantly aware of it, where the mere act of touching it will hurt. Now imagine someone raking their nails along it.  Assuming your imagination is working (and assuming that at some point in your life that you've experienced sunburn), you probably experienced a moment of mental discomfort with that thought. And that mental discomfort is what I feel whenever a stranger touches me. It also applies to non-strangers - acquaintances, even friends with whom I am not comfortable. Prolonged touching is worse. My brain is basically a toddler trying to wriggle away from its mother when it doesn't want to be held. It's worse with men, but it still occurs with women I don't know. On the other hand, if it's someone with whom I feel sufficiently close, it's not a problem. I'm big on hugs, and fine with being close with someone with whom I fee...

One of the key indicators of being a demisexual is not experiencing sexual attraction unless there is an emotional connection. I my previous post, I quoted a couple of people who thought this was admirable. In short, it's not, it's just the way I work. There's a conversation from over 20-years ago that's long stuck in my mind. The fact that a seemingly incidental moment has made such a lasting impression goes some way to indicating how significant this was to me. Again this is long before I'd even heard the term demisexual. I was at the bar at my work, most likely sipping on a Diet Coke (I was teetotal at the time) having a conversation about one of my work colleagues. My colleague was a young woman, a couple of years younger than me. She was the type of attractive that drew all the young men (and some of the older ones) to our office on any excuse they could reasonably contrive. I liked her well enough. She was pleasant, she was good at her job, but t...

I outed myself. I've never been particularly big on talking about my sexual orientation (which is probably another result of being a demi). So sticking up a link on Facebook and announcing the fact to my friends and family was a bit of a weird step for me. benefit In part I did it for myself. I also felt that since this was such a useful revelation to me, it might help someone else in my circle of acquaintances. I'm going to quote from some of the responses. The first was: Probably accurate for me too but no need for labels, it’s just something that is a remnant of the age of manners.  Okay. Apparently the label comment is quite a common response. I had a brief conversation about how the label was helpful to me, discussed the difference between manners and actually being wired in a way that makes casual sex an unappealing prospect. It wasn't the best initial response, but it was a useful opening into talking about the subject. What a horrible label for bei...

Next up was a quiz . I have a problem turning down quizzes. Whether it's a quiz to show off my knowledge of some geeky TV show (I used to be a lot better at these when I was younger), or something that's going to provide deep personal insight into whether I prefer butter or margarine, I find it hard to resist. I'm frequently disappointed. I'm also skeptical about personality quizzes. Generally it's possible to game them to produce the results you want. And even if you're not gaming them intentionally, you'll often put on your best face. So I tried to be as honest as I could. First result came in at 85 - apparently anything over 50 meant I was a demisexual. But I wasn't entirely sure about my answers to some of the questions, so I took it again and downplayed a lot of the answers. A meagre 75 this time. So I took it one more time, trying to be brutally honest. And I score 90. This thing isn't going away. So the next thing I do is...

I first learned about the term demisexual a couple of weeks ago. The term was being used by someone as a self-description. My first reaction was to wonder what it meant. I imagined someone with a reduced sex drive, or maybe something akin to bisexuality. So I did what anyone with a curious mind and access to the Internet would do; I searched for it. This is what I saw at the top of my search results: "A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a emotional connection." But that still didn't really answer my question. So I delved a little deeper. Next up in the search results was a Bustle article  - 'Here are Six Signs That You May Identify as a Demisexual' . Now Bustle's is an online magazine aimed at women, so I'm not really the targeted audience, plus I'm not a fan of  'x signs' articles, but I read it anyway. Number 1: most if not all of your relationships have started out as friendships. ...